My heart will choose to say, "Lord blessed be your name"

The blog title comes from the refrain of the Christian song titled "Blessed Be Your Name" the lyrics say the following:


You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name


These lyrics were based on the verse in Job chapter 1 verse 21. Where Job says, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."


This verse and these lyrics have never been more true to Cory and I as it is now. Over the weekend, we experienced the miscarriage of our first pregnancy. The experience was scary and involved an ER visit while we were in Tulsa for the day on Saturday visiting family. I believe that the Lord prepared my heart long before the experience occurred. I truly felt that He impressed upon my heart that something was different about this pregnancy. It was discovered through doctor's visits and the ER visit that it was a weak pregnancy with low progesterone levels. This miscarriage was diagnosed as "spontaneous." The baby was about 5 and a half weeks along. The fortunate part is that my parents were in town for the weekend and were able to be a big support for us.


Physically, we are exhausted from all of the pain and doctor visits. Emotionally, we have been on a rollercoaster. Spiritually, we have held tight to Job's words in Job 1:21. During this process we prayed for either healing of my body or peace. The Lord chose to give us both, but not in the manner of our intent. He has given us a peace that passes all understanding and instead of physical healing he has given us a spiritual healing. I have said this a million times to my friends and family but I truly believe that we have many, many things to be grateful for through this experience. Although the miscarriage did occur, he protected us and kept us safe. He guarded our hearts and has wrapped us up in the arms of His love.

If you have read the blog before then you know my dear friend, Jill Jarvis Attebery. As I layed in the ER, my thoughts went directly to her. She also experienced a miscarriage. I remember talking to her after I returned from my honeymoon in 2005. She asked me all about my honeymoon and then at the very end of the conversation she told me about her miscarraige that occurred while we were gone. She was so brave, so stinkin' brave. I remember where I was sitting in my duplexe. I had to hold back my tears as we talked. She talked about that verse in Job and was so at peace about the experience. At her funeral in November 2008, the pastor read from her journal the day after her miscarriage. I won't get this exactly right but she wrote something to this effect in her journal, "Surely Lord you are no less good today than you were yesterday!" As I layed there in the ER, Jill was ministering to me. She is no longer alive but her dear words and actions still resonate in my heart.

As the title of this blog says and echoing the lyrics to the song, our hearts are choosing to bless the name of the Lord throughout the loss of this child. It is a choice -- a hard choice -- a daily choice, but one we feel glorifies God which we know was the ultimate purpose of this loss. Many unknowns plague our future. Unknowns that are hard to wrap this organized and planner-type brain around. We pray for continued healing of our hearts and guidance for our future.